Showing up for yourself first, in authenticity and vulnerability

It's been almost a year since I was guided to create the initial outline for "Beads of Light: A Story of Alignment," following guidance on which dreams to include and the significant lessons and experiences to share. 

The past several years of coming into greater Alignment with my soul and spirit have revealed new ways for me to show up for myself, ways that align closely with the story I wish to create in this life as Enrica.

One dimension of Alignment manifested as being literally pushed into showing up for myself in a more genuine, honest, and vulnerable way was certainly not easy—it still isn't—but the rewards of seeing more of who I am are remarkable and indescribable. 

Yes, as you can imagine, this 'showing up' and being authentic came with the interesting and well-expected phenomenon of those close and far gradually wanting to disengage, drawing back. Now, that's way too weird, don't you think? Or, is there a market for that? Or, don't you want to return to corporate jobs and stability? Or, I don't understand this gibberish; it must be a bunch of bullshit; what happened to you?

Although this can still be triggering, I surely honor the feelings of inadequacy that sometimes arise while experiencing the ups and downs of old, outdated information embedded in the psyche and cell memory. But I know this with my whole being; there is no other way to live for me. 

And what way is that? To be the seeker, the dreamer, and the dreamed. 

This is choice, my choice to seek a more profound and deeper meaning, finding ways to be OK with not knowing and managing all the rest that surfaces through the phenomenon of surrendering and trusting, no one else but myself. 

It's not easy because the loudest and most obnoxious narratives promote the illusory, flashy billboards of what it means to be whole, successful, beautiful, and 'real.' 

I recognized a long time ago that the inner restlessness, labeled anxiety and all kinds of other modern world mental inadequacies, were all the desperate voices of my soul wanting to be seen, be heard, and reappear so that they could merge with the light of the brightest stars, the spirit. 

The era of humans realizing that we are more than just physical beings has long begun. This recognition should inspire us to step into our empowered awareness and embrace the truth that we are more than what we've been told.

What does this realization mean for you? How can you welcome more of your true self into everyday life? Consider ways to upgrade your thinking, moving toward a new, evolved state of expansion. 

Reflect on your inner potential and seek out practices that nourish your body, soul, and spirit. By doing so, you can unlock a deeper, more profound understanding of who you are and what you can achieve.

There is so much resistance in the apparent everyday reality; it's been creating a pretty good show, don't you think? Aren't we tired of identifying with the old stories?

What aspects of your true self can you share with others? Where is your “weird, genuine, and authentic”? What do you feel deep inside? What do you want... really, really want? 

Continue asking these questions until what wants to emerge is clear and pure - the most refined voice that is truly YOU. There is nothing like it. 

Excerpt from BEADS of LIGHT, Chapter 19 - Returning

Embracing Old Wounds

Parts of me were drawn back inward toward the strong magnet - my energy line, as I began experiencing the powerful release of old, outdated information. What happens when old information approaches the edges or the surface, is that one can see and feel it more, and that usually becomes unpleasant, inevitably translating into physical pain. It acts as an emotional explosion of unruly misinformation left unmanaged, just like a bunch of teenagers when the professor is absent on the last days of the school year. There is no focus, no way to get any accurate information out of them; it’s complete madness.

When I say waves of hidden judgment, it simply refers to whatever I was perceiving not being the entire truth. This is transparent now. What is behind this level of information is the call to focus inward more, and to create a stronger connection with the true self. How can I take care of myself more, accept myself fully, recognize whatever these sensations are revealing to me, and find better ways to move through them? What others are directly and indirectly communicating simply means I need to care for myself more? This is the time to go deeper.

Any resentment or sense of lack, instead of directing that outward and becoming immobilized by what’s missing, here is the opportunity to fully transform the feelings into gold, the same vibration of gold that I hold in my energy line and mind, reflecting my pure essence. This part of me is the only thing that matters.

In our society, we have been grossly misinformed or mis-educated. Taking care of ourselves, our minds, and our state of being is not selfish, it’s not frivolous or indulgent, it’s the source of generosity. When we can hold more of ourselves, of the immense brightness that we are, we can navigate all relationships, and see beyond the superficial layers. No matter where we look, there are symbols and guideposts from our soul.

Always feeling like I had to prove myself in the past, I recall all the times, and sometimes still catch myself doing this, when I would want to share some story about my students or, back in the day, some hotel experience of hero-like resolution that saved the day. I simply wanted my dad to be proud of me, so that in turn, I could feel proud of myself.

There was a strong need to make sure my family thought I was doing a wonderful job, yet I have always been quite confident in my abilities. Isn’t it normal for a child to want the family’s approval? I think so, and still want that, of course, but it is just a want. Who wants that? Perhaps it’s the self who was sent away when she was way too small, simply because my parents couldn’t handle my sister one summer, and had to work with her differently. All these years, thinking that terrible summer camp experience destroyed me. I should be enough for myself first, 100%, not 70%. This is the real work. It doesn’t matter what I do in life. Whenever you meet someone, and they ask you, what do you do? There may be this underlying, persistent need to prove what you do is equal to your value. Isn’t that outdated and superficial?

When I was a director in hospitality and had a successful corporate career, everyone important to me acted as if I was a big deal. Now, on the other hand, they honestly still think I lost my mind, and that my mid-life crisis is lasting a decade. They showed me raised eyebrows at my frequent anxiety attacks in the past, strong disapproval of any of my relationships, sharing thoughts such as, why couldn’t you just buy a house and have some savings, and why do you have to move so much in the world; can’t you settle somewhere and away from here, cause you’re a bit much to handle? We don’t really know you, and you’re the only one at fault for that. You weren’t here. What’s wrong with you? Do you need an invitation to come over? Of course, you are family; come whenever you want, this is your house – but underneath it all, the thought, why are you here?

Somewhat hurtful, maybe more than a little. Feeling like I’m taking something away from someone, be it attention, support, or love felt intensely agonizing.

Then the sweet voice of my mom, this is how I felt for 30+ years. You feel it so strongly because I carried this myself. I’m sorry you’re holding this too. It’s not you. You know the truth, release this information, it’s not yours; expand and focus only on what you know, and take care of growing within your heart; you will help us finally step into another story.